Monday, February 16, 2009

Just Another Manic Monday

Back to Zumba today after a week layover. Good grief--I thought I was going to die after 30 minutes. Just goes to show that regular exercise has to stay regular in order to keep up--literally. Morgan and I have formed a bond with our instructor (Yay, Mary Beth!) and Zumba is something I actually look forward to instead of dreading.

Unfortunately, I have yet to see a loss. That whole thyroid thing really becomes a frustration when you are doing everything right and have yet to see a loss. I'm making an honest effort to look past the scale (really hard when the competition is based on weight LOST) and focus on how my body feels and how clothes fit. I have to admit, I do feel stronger and there are muscles that feel tighter since we started class. I'll consider that a win.

Of course, emotional issues make it harder to stay on track. It's going to sound stupid, but I was really thrilled to walk out of Walmart WITHOUT the double-stuffed oreos. When I'm going through emotional trauma, I usually succomb to the temptation. I just started thinking about how I look, how I used to look and how I want to look. It worked. It's seriously a first. So maybe now it's a little easier to understand why I'm still a little proud despite the fact that I'm losing this competition with flying colors.

Morgan, on the other hand, is doing fantastically. I'm really proud of her. She's almost to our 15 lb, new shoe mark. Kudos...and more power to her.

Until the next time...and a random rant on Public school vs. other kinds of schooling...

Monday, February 2, 2009

Another Day...No School

We HAVE to go to school tomorrow. I'm going nuts at home. I don't want to lesson plan anymore. My motivation is completely gone.

Tomorrow is our second weigh-in, and I'm starving today. I don't know why I'm so hungry. I could seriously eat for hours, I think. If I don't lose weight tomorrow, I'm going to seriously consider quitting. I know that sounds harsh and ridiculous, but I feel like I'm putting this effort in to stay the same. If I was going to stay the same, couldn't I just eat the things I wanted to eat in the first place? This is going to pay off, right? I'm not just doing this for nothing, right?

Arggg...

(P.S. Here we go, Morgan. Only four posts in, and I'm already to the whining stage).

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Hungry

It's Sunday and I just recently received a call from the high school that stated we will not be in school again tomorrow. I'm going nuts here. I think I'll probably go in tomorrow and do some work anyway.

It's been a frustrating day. Diet-wise, I've been pretty good. I haven't eaten anything crazy even though I'm HUNGRY, but I'm coming to realize that part of being an adult means seeing things in people you wouldn't normally want to see...or know. Maybe my concentration on other issues has kept me from nosing in the fridge.

In the last year, I've faced some pretty crazy things faith-wise. There was a time when it wasn't beyond the realm of conception to believe and know that belief was solid, concrete, sustainable. These days I'm lucky if it's as fluid as a glass of water. Part of it may be due to seeing things in people I never saw before; part of it is likely due to seeing things in myself I never thought existed. Turns out, in the face of real faith, I can't seem to walk on my own two feet.

Of course, maybe that's the point. We were never really meant to trek the walk of faith alone. Maybe I'm finally realizing what Paul meant when he said, "THROUGH CHRIST, I can do all things" (my paraphrase). I've depended on myself for far too much--beyond any conception of what I am capable of delivering. And every time, every single time, I couldn't deliver.

I know God is faithful. I know He is constant. And in the face of those two facts, I still struggle with enduring some things that I don't know how to deal with--leadership issues, personal problems, deep contempt for people in my life, lack of belief in other people. Is part of stepping out in faith simply recoginizing those things and allowing Him to work as you walk? I wish I felt like I was capable. But again, if it doesn't come back to me, maybe that was the point.

Hungry seems to work two ways, doesn't it? Turns out I'm hungry for more than food...