A Zumba Revelation

Another Friday, another week down, another night at Zumba with Morgan and Mary Beth. The class was smaller tonight and I didn't feel like my left lung was going to need to be surgically removed from my right knee when Mary Beth was finally done with us, so my mind drifted a bit while I "kumbia-ed" my way across the floor. The past couple of weeks I haven't been able to avoid the variety of bodies around me--all attending class with different goals in mind. My goal has been so neon-bright in my mind that it's all I can think about during class. I feel things shake and my thoughts shudder trying to imagine what other people see as I attempt Latin-style moves a bit too hip-hop for the whitest girl this side of the Mississippi. I watch other women and contemplate, "Do I look like THAT when I cha-cha?"

The self-consciousness took over. In several classes, I found myself refusing to give any extra hip movement, pulling my waistband up in order to "secure" any love handles that might shake during a squat and wearing bigger t-shirts to cover up offending parts that could not be strapped down or in. Today, as I hiked my britches in an attempt to do some quick camoflauge, I realized something: I like the way my body feels when I do some of those moves. Granted, if I were to catch a glimpse of myself in the floor to ceiling mirrors at the front of the room, I would probably see something the equivalent of that African anteater mating ritual from Can't Buy Me Love. But the way it looks is beside the point. It FEELS amazing. There is a freedom in some kinds of dance that is just...liberating, I suppose.

Truthfully, the problems is that it won't matter how much weight I lose--I will still have this body. I will still have problems with this body. Stretch marks, weird angles (or lack of) and odd proportions will get on my nerves when I'm not focusing on the last 60 lbs. The fact that I am the color of paper will probably come to my mind more often than my shaking thighs do now. It's not fair for me to believe that losing the last bit (as though it's just 4 lbs...HA!) of the weight I'd like to see go will all of a sudden put me into a romantic relationship with my form. But appreciating what this form can do--movement, feeling, stretching, touching--that will change the way I feel about me and what I walk around in.

It's so funny. There are different women in that class on Monday than on Friday, and it's possible that for every person, there is a different personal goal. Morgan and I joined with the intention of losing weight. In the process, I gained a friend. Who knew that exercise could give anyone the opportunity to get to know someone else without yelling about how much running sucks?

The beginning of the end

Spring break will be over tomorrow, and it's back to the daily grind of educating young minds. Chris and I spent our spring break in Orlando, Florida, and it was a fantastic get-away. To know that you're in 92 degree weather when your hometown is braving sleet and snow (not kidding) is a warm fuzzy beyond belief. On another note, I pretty well allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted to eat on vacation. This led to a 3 lb weight gain (which isn't horrible) over the course of my "wonderful" vacation.

That wouldn't be so bad, but I have somehow managed to misplace my thyroid medicine (which I JUST refilled) when we got back from Orlando. I called the pharmacist to see if I could get it replaced. Turns out, I can, but I have to pay full price--about $100--because my insurance company just payed for the refill a few days ago. Talk about frustrating. It's also a controlled substance...so those wonderful people at the pharmacy would need approval from my doctor in order to do the refill. Again, not so bad aside from the $100 price tag.

That said, I've really been trying to do some ab exercises on my own. I've also been wondering why weight loss is so hard. I don't need to eat as often as I do. I don't need to eat some of the garbage I put in my mouth. I don't mind going to Zumba or doing ab work. How did I come to this point? Any dieter will probably ask the same question. Any woman who has ever struggled to fit into her "skinny" jeans would probably confess the same realities.

It's frustrating to know that so many things in life are hit and miss. There are some who are blessed with quick metabolisms. There are some who are not. It seems really random how some are gifted and blessed and others are not given the same gifts or blessings. I wonder if this is something that evens out with age, or if it's a life constant. Something makes me think it's simply a constant that must be swallowed--perhaps with a spoonful of sugar?

One plus one plus one plus one...

Down 1 1/4 lbs this week. It's a success, small or not.

I'm tired. I feel like I've had the garbage beaten out of me, and it's only Tuesday. I should've worked this weekend, and I didn't because I figured I needed the time. Regretting that now. Today, I realized I had three huge stacks of grading, and I hadn't even finished my handouts for this week. Chaulk it up to bad planning on my part...or forgetfulness on my part...or something on my part. Who knows? At any rate, I'm hoping this lets up by the end of the day tomorrow. I don't want to be exhausted when we leave for vacation.

Are you Kidding?

So I weighed in this week--got on the scale, thought I was down one pound. I was excited, because a loss is a loss. When she doubled checked the weight with me, I was off. I was down....TWO POUNDS :) Now, I realize this isn't a 20 lb impressive week, but it's more than what I originally thought :)

5 lbs total. Wish it was more, but it's getting more consistent now.

Dresses and bad legs

I absolutely love dresses. I love flow-y material that looks feminine. I love the idea of dresses and how girly one can look in them. I especially love that it is sometimes possible to buy a dress in a full size smaller because they are flared around hips and thighs.

This season I am appreciative that the "maxi" dress has come back into style. Long dresses are imperative for those of us who don't have the prettiest legs. I am cursed two-fold: I cannot tan and have the whitest legs known to man, and I have man-calves. I just don't have cute legs. But the maxi dress allows for all the femininity without the worry of ugly legs. One would think the problem is solved, right?

Nope. Now, on top of worrying about whether a dress is long enough to cover my legs, I am always concerned about the issue of modesty. For those of us with a rather generous helping up top, it becomes difficult to find things that are both modest and attractive. I am not interested in wearing a turtleneck every day of my life; however, I am also uninterested in flashing my top half to the free world. Surely there is an in between, right? Surely it's possible to provide a little more material for the sake of covering one's self.

I had always considered myself blessed because that generous portion meant my waist looked smaller that it really was. But now, on top of being jealous of their figures, I am also jealous of smaller girls who do not have this issue. I long to be able to throw just about anything on and look adorable anyway. I'm jealous of those girls who can just pick up a dress, throw it over their head, slip on some flip-flops and call themselves ready. Instead, the good majority of my wardrobe is carefully planned to cover, conceal and de-enhance.

Will weight loss ever bring me to that point? Is it possible to hit that point?

Finally

I get to show a real loss at a weigh-in. I'm currently three pounds down from the last weigh-in for the competition and five pounds down from my visit to the doctor (crazy that there was a 2 lb difference, right?). I'm feeling less frustrated, and not as tired. It's a good feeling. It does disturb me that it bleeds over into other areas of my life, too, though.

Week...oh, who can remember at this point?

I gained a pound in the weigh-in this week. Beyond frustrating. I ended up going back to my doctor and she put me back on my previous thyroid medicine. I had hoped that I would be able to do it myself this time, but I guess there are some situations that require help. At any rate, I started re-taking the medicine on Wednesday, and this morning (Saturday) my scale is showing a three pound loss--already! I'm not sure if this is my incapability of reading the scale, or if the medicine really does work this well. Nonetheless, it's nice to see that some efforts are paying off. We'll see as of the weigh-in this coming Tuesday.