My posts lately have been a little less than sunny. I hate that, because I don't really feel like that's a well-rounded view of who I am, but there is a certain amount of "contemplative" in my life these days.
That's probably sugar coating it. Maybe I've spent too long sugar coating it. Maybe I haven't talked about the things I'm really struggling with because I'm afraid to admit to the people who do read that I am struggling. It's gotten easier to talk about the loss Favorite and I have faced, and I think it's acceptable to feel grief over that situation. But I am not just feeling a little bit of grief. I am in a deep, deep season of grieving. I am in a season of struggling. I am in a season of trying to listen for God and feeling like I just can't hear Him.
There is no way to explain this season of grieving accurately. It's not just for the baby--though, that's certainly a factor. It's for the way things might have been and for the way they are. It's for the hurt I see that seems to be unresolved. It's for the flippant attitudes about suffering and the perceived inability to stand up in a church service and say, "I love Jesus, but this sucks and I'm really hurting."
In this season, I've laid down relationships and hopes. And both of those things hurt...particularly when you feel lonely as a result.
So if you want to pray for me this week, you can pray that my heart would break with the things that also break God's heart. You can pray that I would just be inexplicably drawn to Him. I want desperately to be drawn to my knees before Him and to confess honestly what's in my life. I want that desperation to be met in Him alone, but I'm also ready for the aching to be over. I need to know that I'm in the center of His will--that my thinking is right and that will lead to right action. I need for my mouth to stay out of the way. And, apparently, I need to stop trying to find comfort in something other than Him.
I'm not going to pray because that whole groaning thing? Yeah, that's me right now.
But tell me what I can pray for you. Seems I'll be spending plenty of time on my knees anyway.
2 comments:
This is beautiful and heartbreaking. I recently heard about bearing one another's burdens - that in prayer we can walk beside someone and help carry their emotional/spiritual/etc. load. I do pray for you, and I pray God grants that I and others can help you bear your burden. I love your honesty and agree with it wholeheartedly!
Love you. I will be praying for you.
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