Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Vortex

I feel like any sort of return to blogging (if one post can, in fact, be considered a return) should be a magnificent spectacle of wondrousness.

Then there's my blog.

And unfortunately, that means no magnificence, just crazy.  Seriously, though, if people read here for any other reason they might be slightly more delusional than I am.  So there's that.

A second pregnancy with a small child at home is no joke.  Lack of a negotiated contract is no joke.  All of the stress and mud-slinging that comes out of those two things--seriously, no joke.

It's a weird way to start a year I think is supposed to be focused on gratitude.  I've asked myself a lot of questions about that word in the last two hours I've stared at this screen:

1.  Why doesn't gratitude undo the awfulness of the last year?
2.  Why doesn't gratitude alleviate the hurt of losing a close friend?  Or replace that friend?
3.  Why doesn't gratitude settle a contract or at least require understanding on all sides?

And then I've been pushed to the other side by all the simplicities that wash over me:

1.  Ryan's sweet laugh and smile
2.  The baby doing the mambo on my bladder
3.  Colleagues and coworkers who are still dedicated despite the climate

I don't know what I want out of 2014.  I'd like it to be the year I get my shit together, but I'm not entirely positive that's realistic.  Maybe chaos is the way of the world.  And maybe gratitude is our way of finding Christ's peace in the midst of the vortex.