Random Questions: Why Are You in Grad School?

Sometimes I'm a little vocal about the fact that grad school hasn't been the *best* experience for me.  In fact, I'm usually a little jealous of friends and colleagues who seem to be gleaning interesting material from their classes.  After all, the classroom discussion was one of the major reasons I entertained the idea of grad school at all.

After a few frustrated statements to the members of my small group, one man looked and me and asked, sincerely, "So why are you in grad school?"

I gave a couple of mostly honest answers:  I do feel that educators should constantly pursue learning.  It would allow me the opportunity to teach dual-credit classes.  I could apply to work at a community college if the requirements for secondary educators hit rock bottom.  (Or maybe it's to develop enough intelligence to avoid products like Jergens Natural Glow?  Orange is a beautiful color, but it was never meant to be a skin color.)

Then, people remind me that I'll make more money, and I try to pretend like that's something I value.  But let's be honest (since that's a major goal of mine here):  I just don't care that much about the money.  Favorite and I aren't getting independently wealthy, but we don't do without either. 

If I were being completely honest about grad school,though, I'd tell people that it's a way of moving forward with my life.  Because, let's do a little more of that honest thing here, there hasn't been a lot of progress on just about every other front.  And lack of progress can lead dry, dusty people to do crazy things--almost anything for a little refreshment.

Honestly, I thought a class or two might help the bike feel a little less stationary.  Instead, it's been a repetitive reminder of what I would've ignored had things been a little less stagnant.  More recently, it has spawned prayers that God will make an oasis on arid, forgotten soil (Isaiah 44).

So why am I in grad school?

Because I'm pursing the only opportunities available for me right now.  But I'm praying that won't always be the case.

Just Another Manic...Thursday?

Today was my last observation before tenure.  I don't post-eval with my administrator until next week, but (*I think*) the lesson went well.  My students deserve a Golden Globe for their performances in class.  I feel like saying that means they were putting on an act for the admin, but the truth is they are that way most of the time.  I'm telling you:  my students this year make me rejoice in my job as a teacher.  On most days, I love them all to pieces.

I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to root my Nook Tablet so I could download Android Apps--including the Kindle App.  I was told that the textbook for my (grad) class (number 2!  for those of you keeping track) wasn't available on the Nook, and I knew this would be a cheaper route.  Hence, the rooting.  Turns out, the book IS available on the Nook which means that I'm a sucker for not double checking information before I just accept it from another resource.  Jerks.  Uninformed, non-tech-savvy jerks.  (And an apology to Morgan since she thinks I told her she's dumb in the lounge today.  Not my intent, Morgan.  Not my intent.  But I love you.  You and Kerry.  And Schmeig.  Who will always be Schmeig.  I think I'm getting off topic.)

Speaking of class (Please acknowledge my beautiful segue way), this semester promises to be MUCH easier than last semester. And by MUCH I mean the difference between me and a marathon runner.  This class requires a total of 8 pages of writing--due in 2 page increments four separate times.  It's a pretty big turn around from my 25 page monstrosity last semester.

Despite the fact that this semester will be easier, I'm still the hillbilly in higher education.  No risk of me becoming the pretentious jerk who thinks that more time at a desk makes her better than people who didn't pursue college.  Actually, the further I go in education, the more I realize how blessed I am to have the opportunity to learn more. 

There's actually a guy at my church with a doctorate who refuses to allow others to call him "doctor" and has no sense of uppity (it's a super-technical term) what-so-ever.  Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone thought that way?  Part of "teacher" makes me think that I have a responsibility to others...and that responsibility doesn't include looking down my nose at those who are less educated than me.  Particularly when most of those people have schooled me in a hundred different ways.  (Mostly about Christian living.  I'm a slow learner.  Really.  Really.  Slow.) 

Anyway, that's my Thursday.  Sitting at home, downloading books, missing Favorite and thanking God he'll be home tomorrow.  What do you think about education?  Are you pursuing it?  Do you think higher ed is for pretentious jerks?  Give me some feedback.

The Internet Is Ruining My Life

I don't want to be all My Life Is Going To End because my internet won't work, but my life is going to end.    Since one of my resolutions was to cook more often, access to the internet has become crucial in my house.  How else do you look up recipes for the three ingredients you have left before you actually go to the grocery store?  (And I would like to submit that onions, peppers, and chicken are not a bad combination in theory, but actual ingestion means one probably shouldn't spend time in the company of others for a while.  Just sayin'.)

Unfortunately, it's still. not. working.  At this stage in the game, it's probably the router, but ruling out all the other possibilities requires *ahem* internet access.  So each time I encounter a new issue, I have to wait until my planning period the next day at work.  And don't give me that garbage about running water and hot showers.  I need the internet.  ::sobs::

I did sign up for a class next semester at the prompting of Favorite.  He thinks since I received an A in the previous class, I was blowing my experience out of proportion.  (I wasn't.  But I did probably whine excessively.)  This semester, due to schedule navigation, my class is on Wednesday nights--American Literature after 1900.  We'll apparently cover Post-Apocalyptic Fiction, Serial Verse and Graphic Novels.  I'm only aiming to survive and learn something in the process. 

I had to navigate a new schedule, because I was asked to teach an after school tutoring session on Tuesdays and Thursdays until the end of February.  The program is something through Sylvan, so while the students are completing a personalized, online, tutoring session, I can stay caught up on grading.  Maybe it will be less of a problem this semester.

I swear I had something more interesting to say, and I probably had pictures to contribute, but since I can't blog at home, when I have time to think, on my laptop, my creativity is stifled.  STIFLED I TELL YOU!

Maybe today's fix-it routine actually did.

The Last of the Infamous Grad School Paper: Updated

I thought the next time I posted, I would be completely relaxed and happy to report that I had officially finished my paper.  Unfortunately, that's not the case, but I was afraid if I waited until then, I would start getting phone calls from my out-of-town family wondering if I had met some unfortunate demise.

But I have met an unfortunate demise.  At the risk of complaining about this paper every single step of the way, I should inform you I'm ten pages in...but that's all I have.  (I am now fourteen pages in.  Who knew I would be able to get so much more out of the point of view manipulation present in Night?)

I need ten more pages.  I'm praying they will come fairly easily.  I'm planning on pounding out five more tonight and then maybe five tomorrow.  If there's ten pages worth of material left on this stupid subject.

Good News: Grad School

Because we could all use a little good news from time to time, right?

I have another week to work on my paper.

Ok.  That that probably wasn't good news for you, but it was awesome for me.  I'm still going to work on a schedule to try to get everything written without going into a panic.  Currently, I'm one section down and four pages in.  By the end of Thursday, I'd like to be two sections down and 8 or 9 pages in.  My friend, Morgan, says I just need to sit down and write.  She's probably right, because the four pages I wrote yesterday came in about an hour.  I just analyze and analyze and then freak out that what I'm saying isn't good enough.  That requires an extra three hours or so in the writing process ;)

If you want to contribute, my paper is focusing on a narratological approach to Elie Wiesel's Night in secondary classrooms.  I'd really like to discuss narratology as this is my first experience with that particular aspect of theory.

(And hopefully my last.  I'll be glad to have the theory requirement out of the way.)

The Rut

Normally, I post Two on Tuesday, but I'm currently knee deep in the paper I keep referencing.  I'm knee deep because I've only written four pages so far.  (I'd determined to write five this evening, but I hit a wall.)  On a happy note, I've read almost all of my literature and have outlined the other things I'd like to address in this paper.  If I can make bullet points from my research tomorrow, I may be well on my way to finished by the end of the week.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Please, Jesus.

The requirement for this paper is 25 pages, but I'm going to count myself blessed if I can pound out 20 of those pages.  I've set realistic goals for the rest of the days this week, so hopefully I won't get too overwhelmed.  I really just wish I would've known what I was doing earlier in the semester so I had a better start on this paper.

But while I'm swimming in narratology and critical analysis for high school students, I cannot possibly think about Christmas traditions.  Shoot.  I can't even think about Christmas presents.  All I can think about is writing this paper and finishing this class.  I don't even care about getting an "A"--which is unusual for my perfectionist self.  (Case and point:  I never received anything under an A in my English undergrad.  Yes, I am a nerd.)

Keep the prayers coming.  I need a little more inspiration.

A Brief Update, Because I've Got Work To Do

Since so many teachers approach holocaust literature in the classroom, there has to be a way to address those memoirs with a certain amount of respect while still allowing the students to have the opportunity to see what is functioning behind them.

This is the working concept for my paper.  I'm really no further than I was yesterday, but I learned that at least one of the articles I found is going to be useful (YAY!) and one of the books I have (Writing and Rewriting the Holocaust) is proving to be invaluable.

So the rest of my night, now that I'm finished picking up and putting things away, will revolve around grading and reading those articles so I can hopefully start writing some time this week.

I'm excited about grading these papers, because it's a project I love giving the freshmen.  Since we read The Miracle Worker, a play about Annie Sullivan and Helen Keller, I think it's necessary for the students to experience what teachers experience.  Their job?  To teach someone something.  The papers are as diverse as the students in my classes, but I was more impressed that several of them indicated that this was not the best experience of their lives.  People don't listen.  They are hard to teach.

And sometimes, it's easier to do things yourself.

Anyone relate?

A Desperate Plea

In two weeks, I will no longer have to attend my class.  In two weeks, I will be required to hand in a twenty-five page research paper supported with ten to fifteen resources.  In two weeks, I will hopefully stop hyperventilating and relax to enjoy the holidays.

But there are still two weeks.

They are going to be the longest and the shortest two weeks of my life.  Long because I have to write this paper, and short because I have to write this paper.  Anyone trackin'?

I know some of you may think this is silly, but I could use a few prayers over the next two weeks.  I have no idea how I'm going to write a worthwhile paper.  I have a topic, but the last five resources I've read have proven to be worthless to my topic.  So now, I'm scouring JSTOR for anything that will explain the concept of Narratology and attempting to determine how to teach high school students holocaust literature while making them aware of the fact that the very literature they read actually remembers and eliminates the event.  While I'm at it, I probably need to address the latent nature of trauma.

And while all of that sounds really high-minded, let me assure you:  I have no idea what I'm doing.  If this paper gets written, it will be by the grace of God alone.  So if you get some time, would you pray for me?  Or pray that God would send some resources and some good paper ideas my way?  I could certainly use some divine intervention.

More On Grad School

Feel free to skip this whole post if you don't want to read anything about grad school.

The whole process of grad school has really taught me something:

Being the only person in the room with something to learn sucks.

I'm not being metaphysical here.  Sure, we all have something to learn, but I'm talking about higher education--particularly classes that expect attendees to have a strong knowledge of a particular literary canon before beginning.  Unfortunately, my knowledge isn't exactly strong. 

Take Kafka's The Trial for example.  I read The Trial in my U of I days--circa 2000.  Since that's been eleven years ago, I think I deserve points for even remembering Kafka is the author.  But I can't tell you a blessed thing about the book this many years after the fact.

Therefore, I'm already behind in a game that expects precursory knowledge.  Not only do I have to read all the required literature for the class, in some instances, I actually have to reacquaint myself with things long since past in my memory.  And that doesn't even take into account the pieces I've never encountered.

There's another side to this coin, though.  My coworkers are encouraging just to switch to Curriculum and Instruction as opposed to English.  I always swore I would never go back to C & I because of the inane garbage I was fed during my undergrad.  But it goes so much further than that.  And it may be pride related.  I keep wondering:  how can I teach a subject I can't survive in graduate school?

I don't really care if I can ever add master's degree to my credentials.  I don't care if I move over on the pay scale.  Don't get me wrong.  Those things would be nice, but I'm not completely sold on any of them.  The thing is, if I do get a master's, I really wanted it to be in English.  Really.  Really.  And I can't explain that at all.

Suffice it to say I'm drowning and I have no knowledge that will pull me out of this particular rip tide.  Oh, and my presentation tonight?  Well, it wasn't good.  But sadly, it was the best I could do. 

I find that slightly depressing.

A Weekly Update From Grad School #1

Have I mentioned I'm reliving all of my high school insecurities, except this time I'm sitting in a room with people in their mid to late 20s?

I had forgotten how paranoid I could be, but there it is.  I'm paranoid.  Oh, hold on to your seat.  It gets worse.

I spend my entire day telling my students not to be embarrassed to ask questions.  I tell them that we're all just here to learn and there's no shame in clarifying information.  I tell them I won't think they're stupid if they ask me questions and it's my job to guide them through whatever process/information we're learning at the time.

BUT...

I don't want to talk to my professor.  I don't want to ask him questions because he may think I'm stupid.  It would be completely devastating to hear that I don't belong in this class.  And even though I'm here to learn, I naturally expect that I'm going to know everything before I have the opportunity to learn it.

Sick, isn't it?  Hypocrisy knows no limits.

(And now I'm going to email my professor.  You can't hear disapproval in type face.)