Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Mean Girl

When I am hurt, I say mean things. Sometimes I say mean things I don't mean and often I say mean things that I would never say if I were in a reasonable state of mind. But that is my true nature. It's what I fight when I've surrendered to Christ. And when I don't? Well, I say mean things.

Maybe it's part of dealing with feelings I don't want and can't handle. Maybe there's a build up of bad emotion so I have to emote. But it's completely selfish.

I find people like St. Augustine admirable for a variety of reasons (he was, after all, a saint), but I find him most admirable for his prayer to anti-selfishness. Pray it for me. I want to believe I could be that type of person. But the more of me I see, the more I'm afraid I'm not as pliable as I should be.

St. Augustine's Prayer
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

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