The Words

Words are a large part of my life.  In the last three years, the words that I've had a pressing to focus on were Obedience, Peace and Gratitude.  I can look at each of those words and immediately understand that God was/has been trying to education me through the circumstances of 2012-2014.  They are words that are still applicable, but I feel like I've missed their efficacy.

I'd like my word for 2015 to be Rest.  I'd like to rest in all the things I've prayed for and the whirlwind of change these last few years have been.  

In some cases, I've felt like I couldn't talk about these things because 1. some people have it worse or 2. it makes me sound ungrateful (or maybe I am ungrateful...that's open for interpretation), or even worse 3. I sound like a catty bitch.  

Maybe those are accurate descriptors.  I think it's just time I laid down some of the baggage I've been carrying so I can finally let it go.  

Baggage #1

I'm not entirely over our unscheduled exit from our previous church.

It's hard to know people your entire life and then realize that many of them really didn't like you and were not sorry to see you go.  Not long after we left, I pulled up emails from another church member who prayed regularly for me over a period of several years (via email).  I was nostalgic and needed some reminder that I was loved and cared for despite current circumstances.  When I reread those emails, I realized that almost every email for a few years included some sort of criticism from this man's wife.  She commented that she didn't like something I did, or the attitude I had or something I was wearing.  This is the same person who blames me for my family's exit from the congregation.  I thought her feelings toward me were new, but turns out, I had overlooked the fact that she never liked me and was quite vocal about that dislike to her family.  That was a hurtful realization, and it made me realize there were a number of people I've known my whole life who looked at the floor or the ceiling so things wouldn't get uncomfortable.  I'm not over it because I'm still angry with these people.  Thankfully, I've learned that their opinions of me are worth as much as a paperweight in space.  But I'm still angry.

In addition, I miss some of the groups from that church.  I don't want to sing Praise and Worship, but I miss the camaraderie that came out of that group--even though we ended up with an unwelcome fourth member.  I haven't been able to cultivate the same spirit that was in my previous Bible study groups and I miss the wisdom and acceptance that came from those women.  I miss the accountability and I have no idea how to get back to that place or prepare the ground for a new, worthwhile planting.

Baggage #2

I am angry that the pastor of the church we moved to is a liar and a thief.

Favorite and I carefully visited churches to try to figure out where we could grow.  Ultimately, we wanted to be part of a community that wanted to be part of the community in which it resided (not an insular community).  That's what we had where we landed.  We built relationships.  We were involved in multiple service projects.  We felt like a team.

And then we found out it was a lie.  We discovered reality more than a year ago and I'm still angry with him for promising us a place to heal while knowing he had created a fantasy.  None of it was real.

Maybe that should resolve since justice has been done and he's going to prison.  But it doesn't change those who are left in his wake.

Baggage #3

I'm still pretty resentful of the fact that we carefully chose and things were completely upended when this man was arrested.  

We had a small group we loved.  We were learning and growing and healing. The arrest happens, my best friend leaves and then our small group is disbanded because our leaders looked for employment elsewhere.

The open, informal atmosphere changed completely.  If we were choosing today, this likely isn't what we would've chosen.  

Will saying that out loud piss some people off?  I'm sure it will.  I'll be told I can leave or make the best of the circumstances we are in.  And that's fine.  You're welcome to tell me anything you want. 

Fact of the matter is it isn't always easy to just pick up and leave.  Previous circumstances made that abundantly clear.  In turn, we are all limited in many ways when it comes to making the "best" of the current situation.  You may not believe I'm doing much on that front.  I don't really care what you believe because I probably don't trust you and I probably like you less than I trust you. 

Baggage #4

One person who left had every reason to feel abandoned, upended and alone, but I'm bothered that she never seemed to care about the people who also suffered as a result of this man and his alternate reality.

And she need not give me that garbage about standing beside her because I would've supported her to the ends of the earth.  You weren't the only one hurting.  It wasn't all about you.  It still isn't.

I'm laying these things down here so I don't have to pick them up again.  It's time to rest and find something new in the future.  It's time to apply those lessons of obedience, peace and gratitude.  It's time to openly embrace the gifts I've been given along with the emotional ruckus.

Hey, 2015.  It's good to see you.  You've got a lot of healing to do so let's get on with it.

Forest Fires

I've really been trying to focus on what is pure, what is holy, what is just, what is right, etc.  But it seems like I can't stay out of the way of people who insist on sharing tidbits of information that aren't just inaccurate, they are no where close to the truth.

And then, all I can think of are blazing forest fires.

Anyone else have this issue?

Trembling

I despise the unknown.

I don't like most new things.

I am not looking forward to my appointment on Friday.

Actually, I'm terrified.  Frankly, I'd like not to need a different doctor.  I'd like to be one of those miracle women who never deal with the beast of PCOS.  I'd like to have the opportunity to shock myself with a miraculous, unsuspected pregnancy and a completely normal weight.  I'd like to go to one doctor whose only responsibility is to check me at the normal points during pregnancy and deliver a baby.

I don't get those things.  Instead, I have to weigh the options regarding physicians.  I get to determine who knows more about a disease I don't understand myself.  I get to inspect BBT charts like they are holy scripture and realize that mine aren't necessarily indicative of any pertinent information. 

And those things reside in my little Pandora's box with the miniscule amount of hope I manage to cling to like a parachute. 

Sometimes I just have to rant about it because I feel like I'm going to explode with fear.  Lots of fear.  Fear that tells me that this is the rest of my life.  Fear that indicates that I have kept Favorite from playing a role he truly deserves.  Fear that we will eventually resign ourselves to life as we know it.

It's the unknown. 

It terrifies me.

Dr. Seuss, except not

I had every intention of talking about how it's Dr. Seuss' birthday today.  I wanted to let you know how much I love him and how insightful I think some of his books are (Oh, The Places You Will Go! anyone?).

But I can't do that because right now I'm so aggravated I can hardly see straight.

What has me so out of sorts, you ask?

Our mortgage lender.

Now I know people have no reason to ever be frustrated with a bank (HA!), but mine is plain annoying.  Here's why I'm mad:

Last month, we received a statement indicating the balance of our loan had to be paid.  We were trying to close; unfortunately, that wasn't going to be a possiblity.  Apparently, there were a few too many things unfinished, and even though the appraiser said that stuff wouldn't matter, the bank had other thoughts.

ANYWAY, we've been in contact with our loan officer to figure out what we needed do in order to rectify this issue.  Please keep in mind that the ONLY statement I received from them was one for the entire balance of the loan.

When Favorite talked to our loan officer, the officer said we could pick up papers to extend the loan until we finish (which will hopefully be this week) and we needed to pay on the interest.  He said we could pay a certain amount this time and then the same amount next time in order to get it paid down...you know, because they hadn't sent me an interest billing statement since January.

So imagine my surprise when I received a loan billing statement from them today charging the FULL amount of interest due AND a $500 late charge.  Oh wait, did I mention that the amount of interest due is the amount from BEFORE my most recent payment?  So either someone put that all to late charge or there is a serious math problem.

A LATE CHARGE?  FOR WHAT?  For doing exactly what my loan officer told me to do???????????

Ridiculous.  Yes, I have called them.  No, my loan officer wasn't in.  Yes, I did leave him a message indicating I would not pay late charges for following his instructions.

And if this is not rectified, I will be sending a seriously honest letter to the Better Business Bureau and moving my mortgage elsewhere.

UGH!

Do YOUR job. I'll do mine.

Facilitate:
1. To make easier or less difficult; help forward (an action, process, etc.)
2. To assist the progress (of a person)

Synonyms: expedite, simplify, further, aid, ease, promote, etc.

I'm providing this definition just for a bit of background, and I feel that words like "to make easier" or "help forward" require a bit of supposition on our part. They are vague terms, and any time vague is an issue, interpretation comes into play.

For the past few years, I have been facilitating Women's Bible Study at church. I'm probably not the best candidate for the job, but I am the most willing candidate...so here we are. As a facilitator, I've had a variety of responsibilities. Those responsibilities include (but are not limited to) creating a timeline for the study, creating mailers and informational handouts for the participants, choosing a study, looking over that study in the name of preparedness, encouraging participants, organizing prayer information for participants, contacting participants, organizing contact information for all involved, procuring and setting up a room for Bible study, buying and organizing snacks for Bible study, preparing the projector for study, praying for the participants, leading discussion each week and encouraging others to talk or have a say in the study.

I'm not looking for a pat on the back, because I love my women and I love study. My point is that facilitation is an in-depth business. You don't dole out tasks and sit back and watch it all come together. I'm not saying that facilitation requires you to micromanage (I don't, after all, tell each woman what they need to get out of the study), but it does require a certain amount of organization and dedication to the event.

Fortunately, I am also a facilitator of learning: or what most people call a teacher. As a public school teacher, I would say that it is not my job to teach every single kid who walks through my classroom door. It IS my job, however, to facilitate a learning environment that allows all students to receive an education (provided they choose to receive). How do I facilitate that learning environment? I prepare a lesson that has clear directives and expectations. I provide the information in a clear and concise manner and I open the floor to discussion from other students so we can get different perspectives.

I would say that there are some students who get more out of the lesson that others. It's true what they say: You get out of the lesson what you put into the lesson; HOWEVER, I would also say that it's still the responsibility of the teacher to put time and effort into lesson planning and presentation. Without that effort, it won't matter how much the students put into the lesson. It will be a haphazardly delivered mess that may not be clear in information at all.

With all this in mind, it's understandable that I would be a little put out to hear someone simply state that you get out of things what you put into them and some jobs are just for facilitation without recognizing everything else those two things require. Just because people get out of a situation what they put into it doesn't mean that we are free to become laxidasical about preparation. And, by the way, a job that is meant to facilitate is probably one of the rougher jobs one could under take. Put it this way: if an administrator came to me and asked me to facilitate discussion about a particular issue with the faculty, I would have to think long and hard before accepting. Positions like that are time consuming and rigorous--at best.

Maybe the reason the "facilitate" definition is so vague is because each situation is going to be different. What you have to do to help one thing forward might require weeks and weeks of work while helping another thing forward may only require an hour or two every other week. The point is it still requires work.

When did effort and preparation go to the wayside? Maybe that's something that needs to be considered before you look down your nose at people who aren't doing what you want them to do when you want them to do it.

In short: do your job to the best of your ability. I'm certainly doing mine.