I spend a lot of time looking at rubber and road and wondering how often the two really meet in my life.
My actions are often less than godly and a little more flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants in response to whatever situation is in play at the moment. (My slightly broken verbal filter often leads to the same sort of responses in conversation.)
Sometimes I wonder where I compartmentalize all the scripture I've purposely tucked away in my mind to respond to these occasions. Clearly, I failed to file it in the "Read and Respond" portion of my brain.
Of course, there are other things that were misfiled. A regular schedule with my laundry and hangers, for example. But a little laundry on my couch puzzles me far less than my inability to act on the things that most break my heart.
Namely, people who need to be seen.
But when it comes to freely offering a few moments of "seen-ness," I don't always respond with sight. And I'm just going to come out and say the thing you're not supposed to say: Neediness turns me off and simultaneously fascinates me.
I say that in full knowledge of the fact that I am needy. In fact, not only am I needy, I'm learning to cultivate that neediness into something profoundly dependent on a Saviour I think I would largely fail to depend on (with the exception of the "big things").
Some part of me is repulsed by neediness. Some part of me is drawn to it. And the rest of me is trying to figure out which factor changes my response.
And without any sort of answer to that question, I'm learning to stop hedging my investment and protecting my responses.
Or at least, that's what I'm learning to pay more attention to at the moment.
Eventually, I'm hoping the rubber meets the road.