The One Where I Awkwardly Try To Share My Heart (You know. Like always. Plus extra Awkward.)

Among the things people never told me about pregnancy:

• I would become a world-class snorer--so much so that my husband (a beast among men when it comes to nasal activity in the nighttime) would actually pray for my normal, non-snoring self to return.
• Due sinus cavity problems (which might also contribute to the snoring), I can only breathe with my mouth open at night which basically means I've become a drooler.  Nothing sexier than a woman who slobbers in her sleep.
• In the fashion of Kurt Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron," I've been mentally handicapped so I can only think about things in short bursts.  And then, like the fronds of a dandelion, a strong wind comes along and I'm completely carefree.

That last one is probably why most of my writing of late has been relatively lame.  I just can't seem to get what's in my head down on paper.  (I'm not really sure what my excuse was before pregnancy...)

Recently, I wrote about community in a truthful, but really unsatisfying post.  I keep writing things through the lens of expectation after years of being told to throw that particular dream out the window while driving 55 miles per hour.  I'm not disappointed with that perspective because it's one of the few ways I can explain the sense of overwhelmed-by-grace I'm navigating.  But there's so much more to that viewpoint, and I feel I'm unnecessarily narrowing the last ten years of my life to waiting for a gift and the fulfillment of that gift.

There's so much more in the meantime, y'all.

Which is probably why community keeps circling my consciousness.  Rest assured, though, if you want to read something far more compelling and truer than anything I'll ever manage to get down here, visit this particular post.  What I have to say, while similar, doesn't hold a candle to the words she managed to record.  (And isn't it always the truth that when you really start narrowing in on a topic, someone else picks it up and does it just a little better?)

(For the record, I also read her post through the lens of community.  After reading the comments, it's clear not everyone saw it that way.)

The idea of grace actively working inside a community, though.  Whoo.  That's a game-changer for sure.  A lot of my past experiences in the church (and more of my exploits in the far and recent past) include a mentality that says something like "More Grace for Me.  More Rules for You."

I'm not really sure how I justified approaching relationships in that way, and, frankly, I'm surprised someone along the way didn't ask me to tuck in my shirttail because my inner Pharisee was showing.  My biggest fear is that more people just believed my actions were the typical Christian response to people who didn't quite fit the mold.

Admittedly, I charged myself with helping the peg fit the hole--square, round or otherwise.  Myself, though?  I saw my own redemption through a much wider-angle lens--one that was capable of understanding this knowing Jesus thing was a process in the constant state of "to be continued."

It reeks of dualism, right?  Ironically enough, I was totally aware of the duplicity of that type of community, but I had no idea how to redirect those relationships into something that looked a little more like the Christ I was encountering.  So using the best spiritual gift I've ever developed, I chose to ignore it.

And, like all ignored corners of the refrigerator, my dualism grew fur, fangs and possibly the ability to cure small colds or the flu.

(I'm kidding.  Dualism isn't like Chinese takeout.)

(Or maybe...maybe I'm onto something there?)

Jesus, though, is far more diplomatic in his approach to those in need of a Saviour.  Needy people--far from perfect and without a clear plan for change--find healing.  Hope.  Open arms.

But us?  Too often, the "Christian Community" is hellbent on making someone else hug the cactus until s/he is penitent enough to join the ranks of the redeemed.

The people who have surrounded me and my family in the last year have been a breath of fresh air.  Their constant breeze hasn't been without conviction, though.  Their presence is the best form of pressure--the thumb in my back to remember exactly who this Jesus guy is.

This guy?  Met a woman at a well, asked for a drink and offered her "living water" without ever condemning her for living with a man outside of wedlock.

The same guy embraced the turn-coat who denied Him and then returned to the fold.

He loved liars.  Thieves.  Tax Collectors.  Prostitutes.

And He knew exactly what they were when he drew them to Himself.

My Jesus?  He sees people and still doesn't open conversations by saying things like, "You aren't welcome if you fill-in-the-blank."  It makes me wonder why we're developing elaborate sets of rules for who is allowed to enter the clubhouse.

When we talk about a community in Christ, the general public should envision a group of people open to loving anyone--social standing, orientation, creed nonwithstanding.  And why should we fling the doors open for the vast array of people we will encounter as a result?  Because Christ first loved us.

The consistent focus on relationship?  That's what makes this whole shindig worthwhile.  And I guess that's what I expect out of a community.

I haven't given birth...yet.

*A brief note to all interested parties*

I do have a bumpdate; however, I'll probably wait and post it with pictures of the nursery sometime this weekend.  My mom is finishing curtains and we have purchased a glider (which may not make it into the pictures as it's not due to arrive until next week) so I'd like to get some updated pictures on the blog for those who are interested in that sort of thing.

Favorite is hellbent sure Ryan will make his debut on Sunday (also Favorite's bday), and there are definitely some signs that indicate he's going to come sooner rather than later.  Can you ever really tell, though?  Babies can be so darned unpredictable.  If you're a betting person, though, here are the latest updates:

• Over the last two weeks he has dropped significantly. 
• I am having contractions.  They aren't regular or particularly painful, but they're definitely happening.
• At my last appointment, I was 50% effaced and beginning to dialate.  (My next appointment is Thursday afternoon.)  The doctor also gave us the stern "if-you-feel-these-things-come-to-the-hospital" speech.
• It has become particularly painful to walk.  My hips and back are sore fairly consistently and I've developed this need to hold my belly when I move because it feels like he's going to fall out at any given minute.

We have one more shower on Thursday and an appointment to meet with our tax accountant on Friday.  By then, I'm hoping to have finished the last week of lesson plans I have to write for my sub and be 80% caught up on grading.  I think the last thing on my docket will probably be the 85 Julius Caesar papers from my sophomores.  Frankly, though, I'm impressed we've gotten this far.

The end game here is an actual baby.  And most of the time I'm still surprised I'm getting one of those.

Stay tuned for the (according to Favorite) soon-to-come announcement of his birth :)

 

It Just Isn't The Same

I have a confession.

I used to watch Teen Mom. 

Ok, ok.  Maybe "used to" is a little too...past tense?  Occasionally, when Dr. Drew interviews the girls, I still tune in to episodes of Teen Mom.

(Or read about them online.)

(It's like a train wreck.  I just can't seem to look away.)

Most of my viewing time is spent wondering if the show really is accomplishing all that Morgan Freeman hoped:  namely, reducing teen pregnancy rates.  I struggle to determine if it is an honest and open look at the difficulty of parenting while still needing a parent or if it gives attention-seeking teens one more reason to get knocked up.

And it's not like I just struggle with those questions while playing Couch Commando with the remote.  In my five (limited) years as an educator, I've seen way more than my fair share of teen mothers (and, to be fair, fathers).  But despite all of my exposure, I have no idea how to respond to these very real, and often frustrating scenarios.

Take today, for example:  I apparently enraged a student when I told him/her it was ridiculous his/her significant other was bringing their now month-old infant to the school for lunch.  Let me give you the rest of the details:  1.  The person bringing the infant was walking.  2.  It was snowing (a lot!) outside.  3.  I am sending 3-4 students home a day due to flu season.  4.  The person bringing the infant was actually going to sit in the cafeteria with the majority of the student body to "show off" (their words, not mine) the new baby.

I understand that teenagers don't always make the best decisions; however, this particular incident left me chewing my tongue to the point of tasting blood--and not just because toting a month-old infant around outside in the snow to present him to whatever virus is floating in the cafeteria obviously indicates horrible decision making skills. 

I had to shut my mouth because I will never see these situations outside of the spectacles of infertility.

(In my defense, I've managed to keep from sarcastically making comments like "Wow.  I wonder how many of those people are going to be around to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over your six-year-old when you all are 21.  Oh, wait.  I do know.  Almost none of them.  Because they will be in the business of starting their adult lives while you are learning to navigate the life of a first-grader.  Glamorous, isn't it?!")

It goes without saying that a fifteen year old is going to possess a certain amount of naivete when it comes to child rearing.  After all, the fact that they still need parents to help them make difficult life choices pretty well means their parenting skills are non-existent.  What I can't always explain is the almost uncontrollable surge of fury I have when these situations are aired openly and regularly in my presence.

As Ryan's due date (quickly!) approaches, I find myself waivering between panic, ecstacy and complete unbelief.  The latter occurs daily--which is odd given that my stomach shifts on it's own and I really need to add a "team lift" sticker to my wardrobe as standing up on my own has become a little difficult.  Regardless, I've said a hundred times how grateful Favorite and I have been to receive this opportunity.  And over the course of this pregnancy, we've been given the multiplied blessing of sharing our joy with friends (and family) who have found themselves miraculously expecting after years of struggle.

To put it simply:  For me--a several other people I know--this is a big deal.  Huge.  Gargantuan. 

And I refuse to share any part of that experience with someone who is using their "crisis" situation to gain attention.

Some will probably see that as a little selfish.  It's your perogative to believe that's who I am.  But I can tell you honestly that all I really want is the blessing of his birth and his life.  Other honorifics, while extremely awesome and very gratifying, are unnecessary in light of him.

I certainly don't mean these "teenage pregnancy" babies are worthless or less of a blessing because of the situation in which they are born.  I just don't know how to navigate my "this is really special, waited for and miraculous" with their (very often) "we just didn't have a condom; I wanted someone to love me; I need this baby to get some attention from other people."

So tomorrow, another day closer to my due date, I am going to attempt to find a way to encourage the student who just delivered a healthy baby while keeping the conversation from connecting my impending delivery to her recent experience.

Similar or not, we just aren't the same.

Ryan's Community

I would tell you that I'm probably going to MIA this next week, but since my presence has been minimal on my little part of the interwebs, I doubt anyone is shocked.  It only takes so many old women "tsking" and looking at your belly when you say you have four more weeks to induce a bit of a panic about the fact that this baby may very well come before his scheduled due date and CLEARLY he does not understand his mother at all if he cannot stick to the discussed and acceptable date of March 22nd which is still a full week before his ACTUAL due date.

This next week is going to be full of grading so I can *finally* catch up with the advanced class I've been neglecting and grade the recent projects from my sophomores.  My mind has been so occupied with the things I have to do that little space in my brain has been available to construct any sort of understandable sentence--even when my heart has been itching for the opportunity to write.

In the few spare moments I do find, I write Ryan letters longhand.  I talk to him about this pregnancy.  About the type of man hope he will be.  About the fact that his daddy was convinced he was a girl...  Things I'd like him to know that I may not remember when they've passed.

In the back of my mind, I file subjects I'd like to discuss with him.  Sometimes I mentally write whole letters about how long it took me to become comfortable with who I am, and the fact that living honestly and openly with the people you've been given is the most functional type of Christianity.

But the closer I get to holding him for the first time, the more I realize that these aren't things that will need to be written in letters.  They've been written on the faces and in the hearts of the people who have committed themselves to us--come hell or high water.

Their encouragement and hopes for us have been functionally shown in tiny onesies and more than three thousand baby wipes.  And before those gifts were a possibility, in the silent steps they took beside us while we continued to walk.

There will never be a blog post or ink pen sufficient enough to explain to him the blessing of community.  And heaven knows that's one subject I will write over and over again with no sense of satisfaction as to its conclusion.  I'll never quite get it right.

But I'm grateful to be in their sphere.

Even when they tell me he's coming early.

(Or call him Doug.  But that's another story for another day.)

Little Navajo--34 Weeks/Baby Shower/Nursery Update

How Far Along: 34 Weeks

The cake at my shower included a blanket that matches the chevron colors in the nursery.

Size: Ryan is likely a little over 18 inches long and is almost 5 lbs--the size of an average cantalope.

The sweet ladies from my church who threw this shower went all out.
You ever feel like you've been blessed with people you don't deserve?
Me, too.  (And I really don't look pregnant from the front--I just look
like I have a gut.  Ha!)

Gender: It's a boy--Ryan Christopher!

The CCL (who is sitting beside me) sews.  Part of her gift included some really
sentimental items.  Then she cried and I refused to look at her so I wouldn't cry.
But among some of the really cool items was a wipes case with Ryan's initial.

Movement: He's so big and the skin across my stomach is stretched so tight, it's impossible for him to make a movement without us noticing.  Favorite is fascinated by this development and regularly insists on watching my belly dance.

Two Bumbo seats are totally going to be blessing.  We're keeping one
at home, and Favorite suggested we keep the other one at the car.  That
way, no matter where we are, Ryan will have some easy-to-transport gear.

Sleep: Most of the time, I don't sleep well for two days in a row, and then fall into an exhausted sleep on Day 3.  For the most part, I've been averaging around 5 hours.  So I may be a little out of it some days, but I'm totally functioning!

That hat?  Is a crochet hat complete with Yoda ears.  And my kid will wear it
until I can no longer jam it on his little head.  Oh, and there WILL be pictures.

Maternity Clothes: I wear them most days.  In fact, the picture above should be a pretty good indicator that my belly is approximately the size of a large watermelon and just as oblong.  It looks a little strange when I sit down.

Favorite's Nanny hand-quilted a blanket for Ryan.

This is Favorite's Nanny.

Symptoms: Pretty much all the normal symptoms of pregnancy--a huge belly with a clearly active human being inside, occasional difficulty sleeping, heartburn and slight back pain.  Nothing unmanagable or super-uncomfortable--oh, and if gratitude can be considered a symptom?  My heart is overflowing with it.

My mom shocked the beejeezus out of me by giving Ryan a quilt--her first ever.
I had no idea she was working on something like this, but the sweet people at a local
shop who have been guiding her through the baby bedding process helped her put this
together.  You can see the look on my face--I was so proud!

Aversions: Today I ate cereal and corn on the cob.  Nothing else really sounded good.

The CCL and I have a lot of similar facial expressions. 
After asking around A LOT and looking at different reviews, Favorite
and I registered for a Diaper Champ.  My MIL gave us this, and I think
it was probably the best choice for us.  We do intend to try cloth diapering;
however, most of the info we read indicated it will be about 8 weeks before
Ryan will fit the diapers well.  And even if cloth diapers work for us, we
will likely use disposables when we travel and if we get a bit behind on
laundry.  In the long run, the Diaper Champ should help with either--lined
with a trash bag or a wet bag.

Cravings: Still on a milk kick.  I can't explain it.

And baby boy clothes?  Can be so.cute.  We got a variety of sizes which was
super awesome.  On a slightly unrelated side note, we keep praying Ryan
will be Favorite's size and get his height from my brothers (who are both
at least 6').  That way a Division I Football scholarship might actually be
a possibility.  Well, unless he gets his coordination from me.  LOL.

What I miss: I'm so grateful to be pregnant. I can't think of one thing I should be missing.

Favorite even showed up for the end of the party to help load gifts and enjoy cake.
And for those wondering:  he's well on his way to losing all of his pregnancy weight :)

Feeling toward pregnancy: I cannot lie:  Joy, gratitude and dead panic.

I have an admission to make that I may have denied in the past:  I am a control freak.  There.  I said it.  And when it comes to my classroom?  I'm the worst kind of control freak.  It's not that I think others are incapable; I just have a hard time investing in a group of kids and then leaving six weeks of lessons in someone else's hands--especially when I know everyone has his/her own style of approaching material.

Will it be worse than my approach?  Probably not.  My sub is a seasoned teacher who could run circles around me--particularly when it comes to teaching the writing process.  But it's my classroom.  You know?

So I'm praying I can just write general plans for each week, leave the information and let it go.

Oh, and I'm still praying Ryan does not choose to come early...

We're hoping to instill a small amount of musical talent in him with cool presents
like this activity mat.  What baby doesn't want to kick at piano keys?

Best Moment this week: Sorting through all of our gifts and finally sitting down to read some of the notes in the cards.

Oh, and Favorite moved us out of the trailer officially.  I know that's not really pregnancy related, but now that Ryan's arrival is close, we both seem to feel the need to make our house as home-y as possible.  It's weird how a baby has pushed us to organize things and build furniture (a kitchen table--thoughts to come) in order to feel as comfy and at-home as possible.

Ryan's "bed" for the first 2-3 months.

Another first weeks home "bed."  Fun story:  This randomly showed up on
our doorstep on Saturday.  Favorite and I opened the box to discover BigBro
and SILSheena decided to send us more presents--not just because they're
awesome, but also because they need Ryan to have a comfy place to sleep
when we visit Ohio :)

What I'm looking forward to: Finishing the nursery. 

First on the list is washing clothes and diapers and organizing them in the closet.  I've ordered some cloth-diaper-friendly detergent online and it should be here next week.  That means closet organization starts next week.  But I did want to show you some of the progress we've made.  (This is for you, Aunt Sheena!)

A starting point:  changing table side of the room.

A starting point:  crib side of the room.

Curtains and the closet haven't changed much, so I'll leave those pictures for another day.

The changing table upgraded.  We added a pegboard and decorated with various
baskets and items.  Not all of these things are staying on the changing table (obviously),
but I'm still in the process of organizing and getting things together.  Most of the stuff
on the pegboard will probably say there.  Frankly, I think it was a really useful project
and it came together quite nicely.  We just spray painted and framed it out on the wall.

Mom is working on bumper pads this week.

A better bedding shot.

Still to come: 

1.  Some sort of glider.  They are pretty expensive; Favorite and I are trying to determine what would work best for the space while maintaining our financial sense.  (A $1200 chair is so not an option.)

2.  A couple of tables.  I haven't checked Goodwill yet, but we know we'll need a small table to put beside the glider for a lamp and other things as well as another table for the awesome, dragon humidifier and the super cute turtle night light.

3.  The women who threw my shower also gave me some of the decorations.  Favorite and I are going to hang a bouquet of chinese lanterns on one side of the room over the glider.

4.  Decorations over the crib.  I have no idea yet.

5.  Book slings.

6.  Something decorative for toy storage.  In the future we'll have to develop something a little more substantial, but for now?  Something decorative would be awesome.

7.  Curtains.  Mom and I have already discussed this issue, and we think we have a plan.

And that's about it for now.  I should've taken a picture of my diaper bag that arrived this week, too, but I'm feeling lazy right now. 

And completely excited for this new stage of life--well, when I finish feeling like I'm going to throw up over sub plans ;)

Wednesday HodgePodge 2/13/2013

(Just a note:  My baby shower this week was really incredible.  I totally have pictures to share, but I want to wait and share them with updated pictures of nursery progress.  Since Favorite and I are spending some time sorting and organizing this weekend, I hope to share these pictures after Saturday.  But, seriously, hold. your. breath.  I am so excited about the way things are turning out--and I am far from an interior designer!)

1. This week marks the beginning of Lent...will you be giving something up or adding anything to your life during this season of the year?

I'm really attempting to practice purposeful gratitude.  I've found a bit of gratefulness (no matter how small) tends to change the lense through which I see most situations.  That one act shifts my entire focus, and, not surprisingly, my demeanor.

Frankly, I'm a much more relaxed person.  Of course, the monster contorting my stomach is a constant reminder that I have much for which to be grateful.

2. The day before Lent is Shrove Tuesday... tradition states you eat pancakes on this day. In some parts of the world Shrove Tuesday is actually known as 'pancake day'. How do you like your pancakes? Or don't you?

Oh pancakes.  You are certainly one of my love languages.  I prefer them with a bit of butter (none of that margarine nonsense) and maple syrup.  Though, if given a choice, I honestly prefer French Toast.

3. I'm sure there are many, but what's one love song you really love?

"Heavenly Day" by Patty Griffin--I can't sing that song without smiling or finding my own harmony to go along with Patty's soulful-bluegrassy sound.  And these days?  Some of the lyrics just mean something different to me:  "The smile on your face/ I've been longin' to see"

4. What are some things you do to let others know you love them?

A lot of people would probably describe me as a fairly loud, ostentatious person.  But when it comes to feelings?  I tend to be a little more reserved.

These days, my time is often a declaration of my feelings.  Time is precious.  Of course, I also attempt to write to them or about them.  But even then, words are sometimes difficult to find or don't quite "get there."

5. Roses...red, pink, or do you prefer another color? Can you recall the last time someone gave you flowers? Given your choice would you like to open the door and see a dozen red roses, a dozen purple tulips, or a dozen pink peonies?

Yellow is my favorite color, but I like roses in all colors.  Thankfully, Favorite doesn't feel flowers are a special occasion thing, because I got some beautiful daisies at work last week.  It had been a rough week and I just wasn't feeling well.  He thought they would brighten my day, and he was right.

(Girls, sometimes I just don't deserve that man.)

Out of those last three options, I would prefer the pink peonies.  Peonies just smell up a whole room and you can't be sad around them!

6. President's Day will be celebrated in America next Monday. Does US Presidential history and trivia interest you? Many Presidential homes are open to the public and offer guided tours...Monticello (Jefferson's home), Mount Vernon (Washington's home), Montpelier (James Madison's home), Hyde Park (FD Roosevelt's home) and The White House (home to the sitting President) to name just a few. Of those listed which would you be most interested in touring? Why?

Trivia interests me, but presidential trivia really isn't my thing.  In fact, I'm really only interested in history as it applies to literature.

Wait...that last statement isn't entirely true.  I guess I'm just not a big fan of American political history?  Though, if I understood a bit more, I would probably be a better informed voter these days.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'd never voluntarily tour any of those places.  But put John and Sherry Petersik's house on the list and I'm there.  (I'm not sure what this says about my priorities or personality.)

7. Are you good at keeping secrets?

Yep.  Some things just aren't mine to tell.

8.  Insert your own thought.

So. Much. Baby. Stuff. 

Y'all.  I know Hebrews says we're surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.  The implication there is we are encouraged by those who kept the faith and have passed on, but Favorite and I are currently surrounded by a community of encouragement that could best be described as a great cloud of witnesses.

Witnesses who believed and prayed for us when we were over it.

Witnesses who continue to support and celebrate us in this new journey.

Witnesses who will love and help raise Ryan like he is a flesh and blood relative.

I am so thankful for all they've given us; we were certainly overwhelmed with the gifts we received this weekend.  But when I see those things, I rarely think "YAY!  STUFF!"  Instead, I think how blessed I am to have these people to call mine.

And how much more blessed Ryan will be because they are his.

Little Navajo--32 Weeks

How Far Along: 32 Weeks

Size: Ryan is likely a little over 17 inches long and a bit more than 3.75 lbs--apparently the size of a large jicama.

Gender: It's a boy--Ryan Christopher!

Movement: I feel him move and I watch him move.  This week at small group, he was letting himself drift until he could push off my left hip with his feet and then he was ramming his head into the right side of my torso.

Sleep: JaketheSnake readjusted my shoulders and I slept gloriously last night.  Favorite also let me sleep in this weekend which was pretty nice.

Maternity Clothes: I wear them most days.

Symptoms: This week?  Swelling in my ankles. 

I've spent most of this pregnancy carefully considering my food options and exercising *fairly* regularly.  It doesn't mean I've never induldged or my exercise is super consistent.  I'm a human being, after all.

But I can tell you after last week's headlong jump into sitting and eating little more than sugary breakfast cereal, there's something to the advice of doctors.  Keep in mind I'm to the stage where a little swelling is to be expected--especially after a day of no sitting.

But people who use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever, whenever and lay around constantly?  I can't imagine 1. how they feel or 2. what the swelling in their limbs looks like.  It took three days of readjusting my eating habits and alternating between sitting and walking regularly, but the swelling is gone and hasn't returned and I'm less sluggish than I have been for the last week.

Just a short testimonial regarding the advice of doctors.

Aversions: Chicken. Mostly.  It's not so bad if it's shredded or pounded thin, but regular chicken breasts?  Blech.

Cravings: Milk.  Peanut butter.  Greek yogurt.

What I miss: I'm so grateful to be pregnant. I can't think of one thing I should be missing.

Feeling toward pregnancy: My normally awesome and lovely coworkers decided to share some information about pregnancy I previously didn't know.  (In their defense, it's probably good information for me to have.)

So while I'm all "Squeee!  I'm having a baby!"  I am now simultaneously, "ACK!  I'm having a baby!"  And when labor strikes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be "ACK...ACK...ACK..."  Or that's what I've gathered based on their description.

Best Moment this week: Favorite thinks it's funny that he can talk to Ryan and Ryan responds by punching Mommy.  Hard.

And while most women would be insulted by this declaration, Favorite also told me "You're starting to walk like a pregnant woman."  Frankly, it made me smile.

What I'm looking forward to: I'll be pretty grateful when I can finish some "official business" stuff so I can get down to the business of relaxing and expecting a baby.  Next week is our first baby shower and the week after Favorite and I will be taking maternity photos with a friend of mine. 

(SO EXCITED!)