Sunday, February 1, 2009

Hungry

It's Sunday and I just recently received a call from the high school that stated we will not be in school again tomorrow. I'm going nuts here. I think I'll probably go in tomorrow and do some work anyway.

It's been a frustrating day. Diet-wise, I've been pretty good. I haven't eaten anything crazy even though I'm HUNGRY, but I'm coming to realize that part of being an adult means seeing things in people you wouldn't normally want to see...or know. Maybe my concentration on other issues has kept me from nosing in the fridge.

In the last year, I've faced some pretty crazy things faith-wise. There was a time when it wasn't beyond the realm of conception to believe and know that belief was solid, concrete, sustainable. These days I'm lucky if it's as fluid as a glass of water. Part of it may be due to seeing things in people I never saw before; part of it is likely due to seeing things in myself I never thought existed. Turns out, in the face of real faith, I can't seem to walk on my own two feet.

Of course, maybe that's the point. We were never really meant to trek the walk of faith alone. Maybe I'm finally realizing what Paul meant when he said, "THROUGH CHRIST, I can do all things" (my paraphrase). I've depended on myself for far too much--beyond any conception of what I am capable of delivering. And every time, every single time, I couldn't deliver.

I know God is faithful. I know He is constant. And in the face of those two facts, I still struggle with enduring some things that I don't know how to deal with--leadership issues, personal problems, deep contempt for people in my life, lack of belief in other people. Is part of stepping out in faith simply recoginizing those things and allowing Him to work as you walk? I wish I felt like I was capable. But again, if it doesn't come back to me, maybe that was the point.

Hungry seems to work two ways, doesn't it? Turns out I'm hungry for more than food...

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