Friday, July 20, 2012

A Little Peace

When the CCL and I jumped on this crazy Made to Crave ride, we were told there was no set diet plan to support the study.  Instead, participants are encouraged to look at food in relationship to scripture, identify addictions and find something that works for her as an individual.

Because this has been such an individualized activity, there is little judgment to whatever approach each person is taking to food and exercise.  In our supportive little group, most people are using a program called Lose It to track calories and we are all encouraging each other to move at least four nights a week.

Movement has always been my biggest issue.  I am tired 90% of the time.  Some days, getting out of bed is such a chore that I can't imagine adding any sort of exercise routine to my day.  And, not surprisingly, movement is the first place I felt Christ addressed in this journey.

When the CCL sent a text to ask me to run in a 5K, my mind didn't just revolt against the idea, it actually started to formulate plans to eliminate her presence in my life.  I didn't need one more person telling me to move.  I didn't want to move.  I couldn't move.  It isn't my gift.  In fact, my inability to move is a joke among the faculty at my school and my family.  (Even my principal has quipped that I am the least athletic person on staff.)  Everyone knows the "we were forced to run track" story and every person thinks it's hilarious.  Because I?  Don't. Run. Ever.

So when Christ spoke to my heart about running, I almost had a nervous breakdown.  And when He continued to speak to my heart about more movement, I considered visiting a doctor for anxiety medication.  And some days, when I get up and I know I've got 6-9 miles to address in the day (whether through Leslie Sansone or on-the-track running), I have a physical reaction--and it's not a fit of the giggles.

But truthfully, the benefits of aerobic activity on insulin resistence (one of the side effects/major causes of PCOS) have been well documented.  For some reason, aerobic activity (like walking and running) causes blood cells to use glucose more efficiently even if weight loss isn't a part of the equation.

So I'm stuck moving and finding a sense of peace in this whole journey.  And I assure you:  peace with my scales has been a daily struggle.  Daily.

I don't post number of pounds lost.  I haven't shared the inches I am tracking.  Why?  Because I'm trying to find a sense of peace with the journey itself.  If there's anything wrong with the previous WW meetings I attended it was this saying:  "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  What a lie.  Because I can assure you that if this entire journey is about a smaller pant size or a number on the scale, peace will never be a part of the equation.  Dissatisfied people at a size 24 are dissatisfied people at a size 8 if there isn't some resolution during the journey.

Earlier this week, I twittered "I don't want to compete with anyone.  If this is a the practical way God teaches me about needing, then it's about walking--not winning."  And each step in my living room or on the track has been another reminder that I have been asked to commit so He receives glory.  Not so I can lose the most, make the biggest change, make others feel inadequate, etc.

I'm here to find peace and satisfaction in Him, and each mile is a marker of obedience. 

Truthfully, I'm starting to wonder if I'll hit the same markers some of the other people in my group have achieved regarding weight loss.  I get tired of seeing the same 3 lb range on my scale.  And even though I worked out yesterday and counted my calories, I get frustrated to see a bit of a gain even when I know this isn't about the scale.

So today?  I'm getting off my couch and committing to another three miles before I run errands and come home to log another two.

And I'm praying all the while to find "content[ment] whatever the circumstances" (Phil 4:11).


Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

I'm so proud of you - I hope you're proud of yourself too. The mental triumphs are more important than the physical ones.

Rebecca Louise. said...

I hate it when your mind comes over matter. I can totally relate, I set myself goals in my head and then find excuses to get out of them in my head. Well done for trying to overcome this!

Ms. Mathemagician said...

I am proud of you too, Crystal. Your motivation and dedication to running amazes me. Your hatred for running hasn't stopped you!

Ms. Mathemagician said...

I also proud of you, Crystal! Your motivation and dedication to running amazes me!