Just last week, I talked about the good place I've been inhabiting. There's been a lot of "new" here. A lot of blessing. A new realization of who I am in Christ and my calling to depend on Him for every breath. There are encouraging people. And a whole new list of people who are dedicating themselves to healthier lifestyles.
It's been six weeks of adequate progress. We're running more on each outing. We're exercising 5-6 days a week (usually). I'm learning to make better food choices, I stay within a calorie budget and I log food and exercise on a daily basis.
But when people come here, I don't want them to get the idea that we started this journey and it's been nothing but sunshine and roses ever since. There are setbacks. PCOS is still a factor that means I gain and lose the same two lbs for a few days. Two steps forward, one step back. Some weeks don't allow for six days of running. This week I even took two days off in a row--something I haven't done since we started running a few weeks ago.
It means that the next run is harder. Breath doesn't come as easily. Legs are sore. We did two miles yesterday, and I couldn't run half as much in the last half mile as I did for the first six laps. I'd like to tell you I was proud of the progress I had made, but I was mostly disappointed at how far I have to go.
The day of the disappointing weigh-in is frustrating. Sometimes there's a reason I'm two pounds up. Sometimes that's just the step back for the week. Most days I can keep that weight in perspective. This isn't, after all, a journey simply about weight loss. It's about sacrificing my wants and desires to the heart of Christ alone. Some days all I can think about is the weight I have to lose and the sacrifice seems too steep.
There are outings when that sacrifice doesn't happen. Bachelor parties and birthdays. Family meals and dinners out. My choices are a hundred times better than they have been, but sometimes even the best choices in a given sitting are not the best choices overall.
I'm learning these things. I'm struggling with these things. This sense of dedication hasn't been without its frustrations. On those days, I pray through gritted teeth and ask for progress so I don't lose my resolve.
Right now, I'm just grateful to say there are fewer gritted teeth days than there have been in the past. Though today might be one of them.