Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Need for a Prison Break

A Susan G. Komen commercial just came on the television and now I'm bawling like a baby.  Cancer in any form strikes such a chord of intimidation in my heart.  It hurts me to see people who have to overcome so much and those who don't ever get that opportunity because they are taken before the fight even began.

But that's what life is about isn't it?  I hope you'll pardon my move away from funny today, but I'm not feeling particularly amusing.  I'm feeling disappointed.  I'm feeling sad that there's so much hurt in the world.  I'm feeling upset that there are people who ever have to overcome and others who will never understand what it means to barely make it through.

Like so many other people today, I'm struggling.  My cousin, Armanda, posted about her difficulties with fear yesterday.  Her post made me wonder:  how many of us deal with that same emotion as a response to a hundred different stimuli?

I almost typed "some of us" here, but I guess I need to come clean and tell the truth.  The truth is I.  I am often terrified. 

Mostly, what terrifies me is that God won't.  Let me make something clear.  I know He CAN.  But if I were to get down to the heart and soul of everything that freaks me out, I would tell you that I'm not sure He WILL.

I want Him to.  Desperately.  I ask and keep on asking just like the scripture says.  I pray to keep from being overcome with a deep seated fear that He has actually said no and I've missed it.  I occupy myself with other prayer requests and activities.  Shoot.  I have a whole pile of grading that can attest to that fact.

I know, in scripture, that fear is equated with slavery.  I'm not doubting that there is a bit of a shackle situation going on right now.  And manacles are uncomfortable.  It's not a situation I wallow in because I'm good with it.  I'm not really.  But I don't know how to be.

Some days it rears its ugly head and I try to find ways to occupy myself until I can finally go to bed.  Then I pray that tomorrow will be better. 

Maybe it will be.

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