Tuesday, January 10, 2012

What Do You Want?

I have a student who regularly tells me I'm old.

Before you start planning his funeral, know that 1.  he does it to be funny; 2.  it's a mutual thing between us (I don't tell him he's old, because I can't.  But I do have my own fair share of comebacks.); 3.  he's one of my very favorite students.

Despite the "jokey" nature of  these exchanges, I would be lying if I told you they never bothered me.  As my BigBro likes to remind me when it comes to teasing about age, "It bothers you  more than it bothers me."

It's really not the age that bothers me.  I'm 31.  I don't feel 31.  I don't think I look 31.  (The Wii probably thinks I'm 60, so no help there.)  But there was something specific I had pictured for this age--a bit of expectation if you will.

I don't want to lie.  There are no pretty conclusions to tie up in a pretty bow with this post.  There's just this longing to experience.  By 31, I thought my experience would be a bit more broad.  Instead, there's me:  constantly changing directions, never quite knowing what it looks like, never completely comfortable with the status quo.  Me.  Making circles in the sand.

Case-in-point?  I love teaching.  But I didn't even pursue my degree in English until I was 25.  In college, I pursued broadcast journalism, not because I wanted it, but because I thought that was the talent I had.  When the wind changed, I switched to Advertising, moved to U of I and almost hyperventilated because of the change.

See?  I long for change--for experience--and then I freak out and hide from it.  This is why aging scares me.  Thirty-one has no particular significance.  Just a reminder that I'm not as young as I once was, and in another blink, I'll be 50.

But what I wonder is what is the one thing you really want to experience right now?  At this age, at this time, what did you really want for yourself?  I truly want to hear from you.  I'll save mine for another post.

1 comment:

Ranae said...

I'm in the same boat as you. Except I'm 33. I thought by this point it would be teaching in my subject area, maybe switching to a new area, 3-4 children, a nice house, and serving in my church as needed. I have some of those goals, but I constantly feel that I am not where I'm supposed to be yet. I'm married, serve in my church, but I'm still waiting on the kids, and I've had to switch from being a teacher to being a teacher's aide. Teaching might come back, but I'm loving what I'm doing now---I know I'm doing what God wants me to do, but I long to do more, to make more of a difference. I still want the bigger house and the children, but more than that, I want to be known as a woman after God's own heart, and it's hard to do that--I feel that I'm constantly moving one step forward and two steps back. But I've decided that I'm still moving, still striving, and that is much better than sitting back and giving up. I enjoy reading your blog, and hope that you'll find your "God spot" where HE can best use you!