Thursday, July 22, 2010

In Honor of Kelly's Korner: Real

A little while back, Kelly at Kelly's Korner posted and asked other bloggers how "real" they were on their personal blogs. 

She discusses the fact that she really has reached this wonderful place in her life where her days really are consumed with playdates, shopping, cooking and enjoyable activities.  But she also mentions that life wasn't always that way for her.

And while she never says it, I doubt she believes life will always be the way it is now.

I guess the funny thing about ordinary living is that some days really aren't funny, but they are very real, and they are very ordinary, and they are lived by more people than me.

I have a lot of those days.  I don't always post about them, and sometimes I ignore them and post something else.  While I have been truthful about some of the things I'm working through, I haven't always been entirely honest about how I've felt during the process.

I hate struggling with the same issues over and over again.  I despise PCOS with all my being.  I promised myself that I wouldn't let this stupid disease rob me of my joy, but girls, surely many of you understand that it's difficult when you are faced with multiple symptoms that make you feel significantly less girly/successful/capable, etc.

I hate that my hair is falling out.  It didn't used to fall out this quickly, and I've always had really thick hair so I probably didn't notice the loss.  But it doesn't feel so thick anymore.  It lays a lot differently than it used to because it's not as thick.  I hate that I have to pull two or three handfuls out of my head after every single shower of the day.  That doesn't even count the amount that falls out IN the shower.  I'm not exaggerating.

I hate that, while my hair is falling out, other hair grows.  Ever heard of hirsutism?  Look it up, because it's a glorious side effect of a syndrome that has no treatment.  The only treatment for this particular difficulty?  Laser treatments (or at home remedies that are temporary at best).

I hate that I am working my rear end off (or not, as it were) in order to keep my weight in check only to stay at exactly the same weight every week.  I hate that "healthy" people likely assume that my weight is the result of all the "treats" I eat when I'm alone.  I challenge them to search my house for said treats, because I sure haven't found them if they are here. 

I HATE being fat.  I hate feeling this way.  I really do.  And please, no messages or emails about how I'm not fat, blah blah blah.  My doctor has made it very clear that I am, in fact, fat.  Your email won't be helpful. 

I feel like this disease has robbed me of so much--things I'm willing to talk about here, and things that I won't.  And I know that God is in control.  And I do trust Him.  I really do.  There are just some things I no longer want to deal with. 

God has really spoken to my heart about being jealous of other situations when He has called me to my life and other people to theirs, but I would be lying if I said that particular lesson was easy to swallow every single day.  I don't begrudge others what they have.  Sometimes I just wish my situation were similar.  I don't want pity.  I just want to be done with this season already.  I'm tired of waiting and working and seeing no results when I'm working so hard for exactly that end.

I'm just tired.  I have laid this down in front of Him so many times, but every day is a battle.  I'm sick of fighting it.  Do you know how much easier it would be to say "Screw it" and then let it go?  Unfortunately, experience has taught me that I would only go through another cycle of self-loathing because I wasn't doing my fair share to keep this stupid disease in check.

Not that my efforts seem effective, anyway.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is real.

1 comment:

Allison said...

It is amazing just how many people assume that weight (or lack thereof) is through some fault of the individual. It is never acceptable to comment about someone else's weight unless it is in a "hey, you look great ... way to go with all of your hard work" kind of way. And make sure that you are perfectly aware of what sort of hard work the person is putting in. Hang in there. It may be hard ... but you're tough. And you have a great support system.