Tomorrow, Favorite and I are visiting another church. The thing is, we aren't really looking for a church. We're looking for a home. It's hard to articulate the particular set of needs that goes with finding a church home or a church family. Like most people, I think it's like love--you know it when you get there.
Choosing to find a new home was difficult--not just the place we would choose, but making the decision to choose at all.
We just found ourselves in a set of life circumstances that couldn't be anticipated. First, when doctors told us to adopt because we'd never have biological children. Secondly, when we miraculously found ourselves pregnant and then failed to see that heart continue beating.
Those circumstances aren't rare. They aren't special. But something broke when those things happened to us. And to be honest, it was difficult to believe that God could possibly be good when what looked like a miracle literally died in front of our eyes. Those may not be good or healthy thought processes. But they were real.
Dark. But real.
For the last year and a half, we haven't just coped. I would certainly use that word to describe the first few months, and it makes an appearance on what would have been major milestones. But the word I would use is grace. They have been grace-filled moments of God sweetly drawing Favorite and me to Himself.
Ministry is usually described in a vocational light. But we came to understand that the real ministry during this time period came from the people who called to see how we were. People who came over and watched movies. People who remembered our loss and acknowledged that loss is loss--no matter the time period. People who taught us to smile and laugh again. People who were consistently tender and understanding--even a year in.
Those people fed us. Now we're looking for a home where the same thing can happen--and where we can do a bit of feeding ourselves.
We're still broken. Healed doesn't mean the cracks aren't visible. But unanticipated situations have a way of letting the light shine through the cracks. And that's just enough light to walk in.