Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Letter Series: To Whom It May Concern

I skipped church this morning because I haven't been feeling the greatest lately.  I don't sleep well, and I'm tired all the time.  But that is neither here nor there.  For your reading pleasure, I have composed a few letters.  Enjoy.

Dear Gum Chewers of America,

First of all, let me thank you deeply for your devotion to fresh breath.  Like most Americans, I appreciate conversation that isn't tainted with the awful rank of halitosis.  Gum does indeed make those conversations a little more bearable.

It has come to my attention, however, that when you are finished with said piece of gum, you tend to stick in random places.  Take for instance, my brief jaunt into Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday.  I was admiring those big prints in the hallway of this store only to realize that some unthoughtful gum chewer thought this would be the best place to dispose of his/her breath freshening device.  One word:  gross.

This event led me to recall the many times I've been privvy to the little breath freshening wads that have come out of your mouth--desks, chairs, lamp posts, walls at amusement parks, the ground, ashtrays and the like.  I think I speak for the majority of civilization when I say the madness must stop.  We can no longer tolerate random pieces of garbage to litter community property.

When you feel your breath has reached maximum freshness, wrap your gum in a tissue and dispose of it properly.  The world will thank you.

A Concerned Citizen


Dear Brain,

It occurs to me that things haven't been going well for us lately.  I haven't been feeling well, and you are obviously aware of this fact, because you've chosen this time to allow my disposition to become less than magnanimus. 

That said, it's time you get your filter working again--full blast.  It's your job to monitor my mouth to make sure I'm not a jerk, and you've dropped the ball, Brain.  You cannot use my illnesses as an excuse to push some sort of agenda.  Maybe you're feeling angry at my lack of sleep.  Maybe it's the lack of oxygen due to allergies.  Whatever the case, it's not okay to allow anything to fly just because you can.

Be responsible, man.  I am, after all, the one who suffers as a result.

The Management

No comments: