I feel like I have allowed myself to become a victim of taboos that shouldn't be allowed to own me. Today, I'm taking one of those back and talking about something that meant the world to me--even though it didn't end the way I would've preferred.
By the time my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we had been trying for more than five years and had been married for more than seven. People no longer asked fun questions like, "When are you two going to have a baby?" and moved on to a reminder that we were no longer as young as we used to be, and we wanted to be able to keep up with our children when they were young.
Truthfully, WE had started to believe it wasn't going to happen for us.
That weekend, as a means of relaxing, we took a weekend trip. I was sure I was getting sick because I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Anytime Favorite would suggest a particular activity, I would have to pull myself off the bed in order to get going.
By the time we got back home, I started to realize that I wasn't sick in the traditional sense. My body was just different--in a way I'd never noticed before.
So like any good wife, I waited until my husband left the house and I immediately peed on a stick. Then I stood at the front door for 45 minutes and waited for him to come home. Stood. The entire time.
He was flabbergasted. We made a trip to Walgreens for a digitial (you know, just to make sure). (Ok, ok. It was actually 3 other tests. It was nice to look at a positive as opposed to all the negatives we'd seen in the past.) It also gave us that magic word we'd been waiting to read: pregnant. I took a picture of it on my camera (because carrying around a pee stick is gross).
A few days later, I took my mom to lunch to show her the picture of the front door on my camera, because Favorite and I were currently building a house. As she scrolled through the pictures, the "pregnant" stick showed up right behind the red front door...and her face matched the color of the door once she realized what she had read. She was thrilled.
For Favorite's family, we wrapped up baby frames. We also gave some people large Hershey bars wrapped with a label that said
He or She
TBA December 2010
Finally, my father, who still didn't know, received a tape measure (because he'd been helping with the house). When it pulled it out, it said, "We're adding two extra feet to our house." He didn't understand why we were only adding two feet to a 3600 sq. ft. house, but when it hit him, he almost cried.
I know we went to a lot of trouble to give everyone a different story, but we'd had a lot of time to plan. And it was so great that everyone was excited--my little brother whooped across my aunt and uncle's driveway when we told him.
And those are the things I want to remember when I think about my son. I want to remember how happy and excited we were. I want to remember all the hope I felt then, because even though we lost him, that baby has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. And frankly, I think that's worth talking about.