Wednesday, March 9, 2011

If It's Trial By Fire, I Think I've Been Dealt Several Pyromaniacs

Most parts of my life seem to be revolving around this, currently:  "To inoculate me from the praise of man, He baptised me in the criticism of man, until I died to control of man." Francis Frangipane

Do you remember that quote from earlier this week?  Well, it landed on my head and now it's currently beating me in the face.

IN.  THE.  FACE.

And it hurts.

Me no likey.

But it's just a ridiculous reminder that I want, too much, people to like me.  I do.  I want to be so awesome people just can't help wanting to be around me.  I want them to form circles and chant my name.  I want them to nominate me for awards.  I want them to write books about how great I am and sing songs and make up dances with moves that could only describe...

Right.  You get the point.

To make things more complicated, I want God to like me, too.  Yeah, yeah, I know He loves me.  But I want to follow His Will.  I want to do what He's called me to do...just, I want to do it and make other people happy.

This is where Emril would yell "BAM!"

Because this is where the explosion takes place.  Sometimes God's Will makes people happy.  Sometimes it makes people stabby.  Sometimes they pretend to be happy, but they are actually a little stabby.  Sometimes it makes some people happy and makes other people stabby.  The bad news?  Stabby people are louder.  Much louder.  And harder to ignore.

The other bad news?  Even though I want people to like me, I have this inordinate need to defend myself.  When those things collide, I'd like to tell you that I gravitate toward holding my tongue and seeking God and remembering what Paul said about the troubles of this earth.  But it's more likely I gravitate toward making sure the troubles of this earth know my feelings on the matter.  Oh, and that "we don't fight flesh and blood stuff?"  Right.  That goes out the door, too.

This is obviously something God is trying to impress on me during this season of my life, though.  And I'm trying to figure out how to muddle through it.  Too often, it feels like a personal assault on my character and that, to be simple, hurts my feelings.

Hey.  That's the first time I've really identified that.  IT HURTS MY FEELINGS. 

But Ronnie pointed something out to me today.  Even if this is taken out of my hands, my ministry will continue.  Out of defiance?  Hardly.  Out of obedience.

Because God doesn't release us from callings because other people form opinions.

2 comments:

Sheena said...

Well said and AMEN! Press on, friend.

ktjane said...

I was working on a dance, but I fear the surprise is now spoiled...crap.